Don't get discouraged.

Lets talk about stock. Making your own stock is easy, and cheaper than buying in the boxes. You can make a semi big batch and freeze it. Stocks are a great thing to have on hand to help you layer on flavor into any dish, not to mention soup. Making a well prepared stock  is a good foundation for anything you wanna make down the road.

First a white stock, the basic stock. Start saving scraps during the week, like onions, celery, carrots. If you've made chicken, save the bones, you can even freeze them. Place your bones in a large pot and cover with COLD water then add your vegetables -leeks onions or anything you want, that is what is so great about stock. Then as its cooking the impurities will rise to the top it will looks like foam, skim it off. You want your stock to stay clear, thats the trick to a great stock. you dont want it to be cloudy. 

Add a bouquet garni to your stock, you remember what that is, fresh herbs, parsley stems, bay leak, peppercorns, tied in cheesecloth. After about 2-3 hours your stock should be done. Think about the process with me for a minute, we have basically just made a reduction, where we have reduced the liquid with all these flavorful ingredients. 

Strain your sauce. If you dont have a fine mesh strainer, line your strainer with a cheesecloth, you may need to strain it twice. 

So now lets talk about a brown stock. With brown stock we brown the bones and mirepoix before adding liquid. I like to use beef, lamb, or veal bones, you dont typically use chicken for a brown stock. 

Roast your bones in a single layer in an oven set at 425 degrees., get the bones nice and dark. Then brush your bones with tomato paste and turn the oven down to 350 degrees and cook for 5 more minutes, careful not to burn the tomato. 

In a stockpot cover your bones with water impurities will rise, just keep skimming, keep your stock at a simmer. While that is coming to a simmer get you roasting pan hot again and roast your mirepoix, scraping up that yumminess on the bottom of the pan. Don't be afraid here, your vegetables will be really dark and caramelized. Add them to your stock.

Return your pan BACK (yes for the third time) to the heat and deglaze with red wine, water, stock whatever flavor you wanna add. Add the liquid to the stockpot as well. Add your bouquet garni and simmer for hours, upwards of 4-5. Strain, same as above. 

Again, I'm giving you the tools, now i wanna see you experiment with vegetable stock and fish stock and different liquids.

Be sure to post questions and concerns you have. Happy Cooking.  

Back to the basics: Braising

I have been doing some thinking, and i want to sort of redirect this blog back to the basics of cooking. Its hard for me as a trained chef to step back and realize that not everyone knows what foie gras is, or a white stock over a brown stock or what tomato concassee is. Ive been feeling like i dont know what to put on here, because i didn't know where to start. Well i think i figured it out and i want to start back at the basics of cooking, and by the end you will be mastering things you never knew like, tomato concassee.

Im going to start with the basic techniques of cooking, different methods of cooking different cuts of meat, and the reasoning behind cooking certain cuts of meat certain ways. Braising is a great way to expand your experiences in the kitchen, you will create dishes that fall off your fork from tenderness and your end result is a plate full of integrated flavors that you  never knew you could accomplish.

There are endless possibilities with braising, starting with secondary cuts of meats that are tougher because they have connective tissue that needs to be broken down in order to be tender, like shoulder, ribs, shanks, which can be cheaper. Braising is a combination cooking method, meaning we use dry cooking method, by searing it, and wet cooking method from the liquid we add.

First, we are going to season our meat with salt and pepper **If you are wanting to try boneless short ribs you may need to ask your butcher to cut you a boneless chuck short rib. Then dredge in flour, all while your pan is getting super hot, it may even start smoking THEN add some oil and i like to add a touch of butter. Sear your meat on all sides until you get a nice dark caramelized look, remove from the pan and turn you heat down to medium heat.

**you dont want to use fresh herbs at the beginning stage because they will most likely burn when you sear the meat and second they will lose their vibrant color, so we add them in a bouquet garni, ill explain later, and at the very end when we are finished so they stay fresh and vibrant in color**

Next we add our mirepoix, basically two part onions to one part celery and carrots, rough chopped because we will strain them later so dont waste time in making them look good. Now add the vegetables and some sort of tomato product (tomato are very acidic so they help tenderize the meat and add color) and any other aromatic vegetables to your hot pan, the pan is going to have some brown stuff on the bottom, this is good, its added flavor that will scrape off in to the sauce. Saute until soft and opaque. 

Step three to deglaze the pan with wine or stock (ill be posting on how to make stock) or maybe a beer, at this stage all that yummy goodness will be picked up off the bottom of the pan. Then add enough stock to cover your meat by one to two thirds. Return the meat that you seared to the liquid after it has come to a simmer. Adjust the seasonings, be careful because stock can have a salty flavor so adjust as needed, add bouquet garni.**Cover and place in a hot oven, 350 degrees, and allow to cook for 1.5 to 2 hours (remember to consider how big your cut of meat is, it could take less time or more) Some people cook it at a simmer but i much prefer to throw it in the oven and forget about it. 

**A bouquet garni is simply a bay leaf, fresh parsley and the stems, peppercorns, garlic smashed, really anything you want to add flavor to your dish. The traditional way it to wrap in cheesecloth and tie securely. Nestle this deep into your pot and then at the end simply remove the whole thing. 

It should be fork tender but not break apart, you still want it to hold its shape. When braising, you can obviously serve it that day, but if you serve it the next day you've given those flavors time to mesh together and soak into the meat. 

So now the meat is done and we have this amazing (well it will be) sauce, at this point it doesn't really look like much, strain the liquid, return the liquid to a clean pot, there is going to be a sheen of oil at the top you need to skim it off. either using paper towels, or a spoon. (or if you are using the next day make sure you leave your meat in the strained sauce but the fat will have solidified at the top and you can literally just scoop it off as a hard fat.) 

So now we thicken the sauce with a slurry, cornstarch mixed with water, it should have the consistency of heavy cream, add to your sauce while whisking. Use your best judgment here, if you only have a small amount of sauce consider just reducing it down without adding a slurry. Your sauce should be nape, when you dip a spoon in the sauce you should be able to run your finger across the back of the spoon and the line stay as opposed to running together again.  

Side note: you are probably wondering about vegetables, i like to roast mine separate, but you can add your to the process with about 30 minutes left in the cooking process, you dont want to add them at the beginning because they cook so much faster than meat. So these vegetables can be anything, carrots, potaoes, parsnips, rutabaga, i encourage you to see whats in season and try it. Cut them into bite size pieces that will be pretty but functional. 

Spoon your vegetables on the plate then meat and top with plenty of sauce and garnish with fresh herbs. Enjoy and experiment with lots of different cuts of meat, try to braise fish and experiment with different liquids for your sauce. Once you get the process of braising down you can start to have fun and try new and different things, using the same technique you learned here. 

Send me your braising ideas, i would love to see what you come up with!

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving. This holiday can be full of stress for those who have to do all planning shopping and cooking and i can see how it might be a little less exciting for those who dont enjoy the art of cooking and look at it more like a checklist.

So i made this cranberry sauce, and it is so good and so easy, you can throw this together in as little time as opening a can.

14-oz. package fresh or thawed frozen cranberries
3/4 cup packed light brown sugar

3/4 sugar
½ cup fresh orange juice
⅓ cup Grand Marnier or Brandy
8 whole black peppercorns
6 whole allspice berries
5 whole cloves of garlic

2" stick cinnamon, broken in half
Feel free to add any other aromatic spices like star anise, cloves or fresh thyme.

Combine all your ingredient in a saucepan and turn on med heat. Next of you have cheesecloth great, wrap your spices in that and tie securely, if not, i used a coffee filter. Submerge in the liquid and let it simmer till it becomes thick. Now if you let it over reduce just add some water or orange juice. This could take as long as 20-30 minutes.

At this point you want to remember that its hot and it will harden more when it cools. So make a judgement call on how jelly like you want it, and if you want it a little runny go with it. 

Chill and serve. 

To Smoke or Not to Smoke

There are few things that get me more excited than smoking meat. Well its easy and your end result is this smokey tender product.

I have to tell this story, so one year i wanted to smoke the turkey for thanksgiving, at the time we didn't have a smoker, so i looked up how to make one, so my dad and i fashioned together taracotta pots (yes flower pots)  and put a burner in the bottom. We smoked it through the night only to find that the burner couldn't produce enough heat to keep the temperature inside the pots hot enough to cook it but also at a safe temperature. Needless to say, we didn't have smoked turkey in fact we may not have had turkey at all that year.

Now that we have a smoker it makes it a lot easier, but i am going to share some ways to get that smokey flavor without a smoker, and some tips on cooking and smoking meat, along with recipes that will make it easier because who doesn't absolutely love BBQ?!

Im going to use pork butt as an example. The pork butt isn't actually the butt, its the shoulder. (they wanted to confuse everyone)

You start by using a sharp knife and create half inch diameter holes. (dont be afraid at this stage, its a tough cut of meat, also remember your end result is pulled pork) 

Spice rub:
3 Tbs paprika
3 Tbs brown sugar
2 Tbs garlic powder
3 Tbs salt
1 Tbs black pepper (fresh ground is always better)
1 Tsp cumin
1 Tsp Old bay seasoning

Ok so here is where you have some freedom to play around with flavor profiles, maybe add some ground ginger, onion powder, cayenne for some heat.

Next rub/massage this into your prepped meat. Let this rest overnight to absorb the flavors. 
Note: So again, as an option, depending on how I'm feeling i might dowse the meat in Worcestershire, and liquid smoke, and maybe some mustard, let that sit over night then rub your dry ingredients all over, being sure to get deep in the holes you made. See what i am doing, i am building flavor profiles, quite literally layering them on.

Oil you grill. Also make sure (you can see it in the photo) that you always cook fat side up.
If you dont have a smoker here is the option for you, soak your chips in water (maybe beer or bourbon or apple juice)  up to 30 minutes, we want smoke not flames. Play around with different kind of chips, hickory, oak, or mesquite then wrap them in aluminum foil and poke holes in it and place directly over the flame in your grill. When you smoke you want your grill at 275 degrees. You will see the chips start to smoke and wallah! Amazing right. Be sure not to put your meat directly over the smoke, but off to the side to create an air flow in the grill. 

Ok so next after about 6 hours for a 4-6 pound butt you are going to add some liquid for moisture i like to use pineapple juice or apple juice and honey. wrap the butt in tin foil and dowse with liquid, wrap tightly and cook for approximately 2 more hours until it reads 190-195 degrees NOTE: be sure to let it rest, this is important becasue while its resting the juices are being absorbed and its just sitting there in that yummy juice and rub. 
If you are making BBQ sauce save the liquid from the pork and use up all those yummy spices that have dripped off. What a great start to an amazing BBQ sauce. 

Next coat in BBQ sauce and put it directly on the grill until it is caramelized and has a nice chard coating. Pull apart, garish and serve. 

You now have the tools to smoke any kind of meat you want, ribs, brisket, even trout, the opportunities are endless. 

Olive Oil and Other Cooking Fats

I am so excited, I got my first question, and it's a good one! I had to do a little digging and get a little background info myself. 

So, I am sure you have been overwhelmed with all the choices you have with olive oils, and what it all means? And how should you even use olive oil? I'll also hit on salted butter vs. unsalted butter and some trending oils like coconut oil.
Let's dive in. 

The most common kind of butter is sweet cream and is made from pasteurized cream, and must contain 80% fat and 16% water and the remaining 4% is protein, lactose and salt.
Salted sweet cream has around 1-2 teaspoons per pound of butter. Salt was originally added as a preservative. 

So, the question was whether to use salted or unsalted. I'm afraid I don't have a rule or an answer for every scenario (but that is the great thing about cooking - you get to play and decide for yourself), but I can tell you that I always use salted - because, well, why not? 
Unsalted butter gives you more control over the flavor you are trying to achieve, especially with baking this can come in handy. But if I'm spreading it on toast or basting my meat I want as much added flavor as possible and so I use salted. Don't over think it, and believe me, you can use them interchangeably. 

If you ever see a recipe call for clarified butter, know that it is the removal of milk and water solids, leaving a beautiful clear milk fat. The reason for that is milk solids burn at a low temperature (250 degrees), if you remove them (the milk solids) you get an oil that is great for frying and can reach a temperature of 400 degrees. It can be very pricey, which is why it's not very commonly used.

Ok, I want to touch on margarine. Margarine has the same build up as butter, 80% fat and 16% water, the difference is where the fat is coming from. In the US, the fat is blended with soybean, corn, cottonseed, sunflower, canola and other oils. They also add coloring agents, extra flavoring agents, Vitamin A and D and then pump it with nitrogen to make it spreadable. So, as you can see, you aren't getting a pure product, it's mixed with other oils and lecithin to stabilize the water. 

I'm sure you've heard about Coconut oil (my first interaction was when someone told me they used it as lotion, and rubbed it on their face (I have to admit, I tried it and it seems kind of strange to be talking about cooking with it now). Coconut oil is 90% saturated fat (holy cow) and it can have an impact on your cholesterol level; so, use in moderation. I would suggest the 'virgin coconut oil' which has not been chemically treated. 

So, if you are at all like me, choices make you crazy - just give it to me straight! I hate staring at bottles all claiming a slight variation of the same thing, 'virgin', 'extra virgin', 'cold pressed'. What does all that mean?

I love Olive oil for lots of reasons, it's versatile - I use it for marinades, salad dressings, cooking and of course dipping my bread in. So, lets break it down.
Olive oil has a high smoke point (about 500 degrees), and people don't tend to use it for cooking because it's expensive and also when heated it does lose some of its nutritional value. So that I can have my cake and eat it too, I drizzle some on top after cooking (this is really common in restaurants - it gives your meal that glossy finished look, not to mention the taste). 

Cold pressed olive oils are what you want, this means that it was literally pressed and ground without adding any heat to extract the oil, so the flavor is vibrant and rich. Also, something to add here is that without adding heat the olive oils keep all of their nutritional value. Cold pressed or 'first cold pressed' (again with all the terms, geez) is another way of saying 'Extra Virgin'. If you are buying anything other than 'first cold pressed' you are buying the leftover oil, the oil they couldn't get easily, you might see it as 'light' or 'extra light' - don't be fooled, it has nothing to do with calories. Also color is no indication of the quality of oil.  

Never keep olive oil in the refrigerator, keep it in a dark cool spot away from light, you may even want to wrap it in tin foil or a brown bag. Olive oil does expire, so if it has been sitting on your shelf for over a year, I hate to say it, but its gone bad. 

Things that might help in picking out an olive oil:

Look for when the olives were harvested. Fresher the better.

Look for a region. After all, you wouldn't pick up a bottle of wine that just said 'red wine' - know where they are coming from, and research different flavor profiles. If you haven't been to one of those olive oil shops, you must! You get to taste and experience all sorts of olive oils.

Try to buy oils in a tinted glass container - heat, light and air are enemies, so start off with a dark bottle. 

I hope this helped. Keep the questions coming. Also stay connected, because I will be posting some great holiday recipes! 


McGee, Harold. On Food and Cooking. New York, NY: Scribner, 2004 Print.

A guide to home cooking

Here it goes.

As most of you know, i graduated from Johnson and Whales, so food has quite literally been my life for the past five years, yes that is a drop in the bucket, but none the less, I've been a slave to the food industry for what seems like eternity. Ill be the first to admit it hasn't always been sunshine and flowers. 

This blog is for the home cook, who quite frankly feels overwhelmed by the idea of cooking, i mean lets get real, you have to find a recipe (this involves research, considering what people will like and will your family even eat it, so not such an easy task).

Then you have to go shopping for everything you need (now if you're like me, this is the worst part, I've been spoiled with my groceries getting dropped off, but for the average person this is just torture) Then you have to unload all those groceries, and somehow muster up enough energy to THEN cook. Geeze. No wonder americans hate cooking, can you blame them? 

Here is one suggestion, if you can afford it, and quite frankly, if grocery shopping is keeping you from cooking then this is a splurge that would be worth it. You can shop online, and just pick it up, did you hear that? Everything is already ready for you, no more back tracking down the same isle twelve times, no more running to the back of the store for milk. 

Here is my second tip, let me back track for a second ( i am going to rant here for a minute, shows like Rachel Ray, are not your friend, she tries to be so different, and unique and in doing so makes the home cook feel inadequate) KEEP IT SIMPLE! Im telling you making a lasagna in a crock pot is not a good idea. You need to take time to understand the basics before you can realize what will work for you and your cooking style. Don't fret, thats why i am here, to help you understand why things work and why somethings no matter how many times you try are disastrous. 

In REAL life there are three questions home cooks should ask before diving into a recipe.
1) Will i first and foremost enjoy eating this. This seems like a 'duh' moment but you would be surprised.
2) Do i have the right equipment to pull this off? Read through your recipe before you get started, this will help you down the road. 
3) Are the ingredients accessible, the last thing you wanna do is be running from grocery store to grocery store looking for celeriac root or almond flour.

So, i hope i have convinced you to continue reading my blog as we dive into do's and don't of cooking. We will be looking at specific recipes and ingredients that might surprise you are easier than you think. 

If you have questions, or would like me to talk about a specific issue or ingredient please leave a comment and i would love to answer as best i can. 

Living or am i dying

Im sitting cross legged on my yoga mat, feeling disgusting that i could barely get thru a 25 minute Pilates video (and how i secretly just want a mint chocolate chip milkshake). How is it that i was in such great shape, actually liked the way i looked, and then just boom let myself go. Now the motivation is almost twice as bad because i hate myself for letting it (my flabby abs) get this way.

It seems absolutely crazy that my youngest brother is going away to Furman next year. Especially because in my mind I'm still 18, so how does that add up? Sitting in those auditorium seats surrounded by chatter of college and summer vacations, i was suddenly grateful that i escaped with my life from High School, but also missing the idea of summer romances, tan lines, and frisbee in the park with friends. Then suddenly i wanted a redo. A chance to go back and tell myself to stop fearing people and relationships but to embrace them. 

I find myself not letting people get close because I'm afraid they might die. Gulp. 


I was graciously reminded of how relational God is. How much he desires me to KNOW him, more than just KNOWING but a gut feeling, butterflies, anticipation on our next meeting, to crave his words like bread and water. Abide. Abide. Abide. 
I KNOW that God is good.
I KNOW that God is in control.
I KNOW that God has a plan. (bigger than mine)
So why, why, why am i constantly worried and panicked? 

"Stop fearing death, and live life" 
Game of Thrones

Back so Soon

Ive been thinking (a dangerous pastime) how easy it is (for me especially) to get bogged down in all the negative things in life and to just crave that normalcy. To constantly be comparing my life, my free time, my family, my vacation to other peoples- TO WHAT END? 

When will i actually be in a spot or time in my life where ill feel "normal"? 

Never.

Its not normal for people to be happy and content when society and the world are forcing materialism and an agenda down your throat, judging your parenting skills, your fashion choices, your life choices. Now if you have been fed this lie your whole life like me, you know its exhausting to keep up with people's expectations and its not always fulfilling in the way you thought it would be.

So I've decided to focus not on being 'normal', but instead focus on what makes me tick, things i love, things I'm good at, and to stop obsessing over my inability to sing and play guitar, or my acne scars, or my untoned thighs or not having enough friends. But instead (TRY) and enjoy life, enjoy where i am at this moment. Instead of begging God to change my circumstances, beg him to walk thru them with me, teaching, changing and making me more like him. (Now this is not going to be as easy as it sounds, and i dont promise not to complain about Columbia or my circumstances) 

All be Happy

I have this feeling and i can't put a finger on it, discontentment, anxiety, unsettled, all rolled into ..Me. Im a disaster. I keep begging God for an identity i can relate to, but i dont know what that looks like so I'm dabbling in this pool of uncertainty and confusion. It feels like I'm learning to ride a bike, confident when dad is holding the seat but lacking all sense of self when I'm left all alone. I just wanna run to the hand i know will hold me steady, i dont trust myself to stand alone. 

I look at these woman who are smart and go getters, and i can't seem to drag myself out of this self pity. Meh.

So I'm reading My Utmost for His Highest and can i just say Wow! Read it if you haven't. 
Anyway the last entry i read was about being absolutely alone with God. And until we can get the noise and questions out of our heads to be alone with God, can he expound. i was thinking how often I'm praying, but my thoughts are drifting towards my unpainted toenails, or if i turned the coffee pot off. Get alone with God, bear your soul and quite your racing mind, in order to be expound upon by the Holy Spirit!!

So work has me all messed up. Im desperate for a nine to five, a social life on the weekends, friends during the week. I feel guilty for wanting it though.

"All be Happy" 

Hugh Jackmans motto and on my hat i bought from his coffee shop. Words i should start to live by.

"Took a bus to China town, standing on Canal"

After spending a week in Manhatten, its difficult to come back to my already mundane life. Like seriously. Get me out of Columbia!

My trip was altogether fabulous, my cousin was quite the tour guide, eating our way thru the city one food stand at a time, from empanadas to cannolis. 
What is there to say about central park, I'm mean come on!

I ate my first hot dog in probably ten years while watching a biker get hit by a cab. Speaking of cabs, i was totally scammed by a car driver, but I'm crossing it off as a NYC experience. 

The trip was so distracting i almost forgot about turning 25. We ate at Momofuku at 11:30pm then had drinks at a secret bar that smelled like soy sauce and had Japanese bartenders (which according to BJO are the best kind)

It was JUST what i needed a little reminder that Im not done yet.

So needless to say Columbia is looking pretty boring compared to designer clothes and fast subways.

I live in this fantasy world, where my family gets together and we laugh and joke, no rude or harsh words are shared, we just love each other. Well we all know this isn't real life, its hard enough to get us all in a room, and when we are i hold my breathe waiting for the first arrow of judgement and envy fly. 

So i pushed through my pride and hurt spirit and just reached out for a friendship, to someone that has done nothing but push me away. As i was praying over the words i typed in an attempt to confront but keep things cordial I was crying with my emotions running high, and one hour later i got a 'thank you' email. I cried even harder. It was a crack in the armour but it was still there, so my constant prayer is for powerful, godly influences to surround him in a loving way.

Just when you think things can't be mended, you meet the Holy Spirit in a new way, that makes you dance with joyful tears over an email.

Praise Him for the small things today, and pray for the BIG things. 

today i was crying and crying and then suddenly confessing to God that i was extremely distracted by a beautiful God fearing man sitting in front of me. Suddenly i was laughing, i was laughing with God. It was amazing. It was freeing. God was present and real, sitting with me and laughing at me. He wasn't mad with me. (like i was expecting him to be anyway) I was gently reminded of the GOOD things God has in store for me, Yes, i was distracted by a beautiful man, but i got a glimpse into what God wants for me, i was looking at something i thought was "it", and God was saying "But i have MORE for you" 

I prayed specifically against a passive heart that allowed me to just dabble in christianity and held me back from BEING. ALL. IN. I dont want work, money and the stereo-typical package that americans have to have if it means christianity is just sprinkled on top.  I want Jesus to be all consuming, ever present in my life.


My dear friend last week was trying so desperately to get me to see myself as God sees me. (Not an easy task) She said something like this, you might wake up one day happy and full of joy, you make breakfast for your family, you are compassionate to people that normally you can't love, you end your day even better feeling even better and when you lay your head on your pillow the Holy Father sees Jesus.
The next day you wake up with anger and hate on your heart, you aren't compassionate or loving because you are too busy being mad. You start gossip, you're rude, you lie, you lay your head on your pillow with a heavy heart and the Holy Father STILL sees Jesus. 

That is how God see you. He doesn't. He sees Jesus. 

I have never heard God more clearly than i did last week. My prayer to God has been for a godly man in my life. Someone in my life to love and to pour into.

"How can you love a husband if you don't fall in love with me first" 
i couldn't breathe.

Growing up i was taught (and in their defense, it was with good intentions) that being good and not sinning would get me what i wanted, a husband (of course then it was good grades and a car). Well, I've been waiting for my handout for 24 years, for God to deliver on his promise. But this is SO WRONG, I'm not good, first of all, and anything i do good is not because of me but because of Christ in me. And my calling is to love God and love other people. 

Im missing the whole point of Christ, of salvation. IM. MISSING. IT. I'm killing myself trying to be perfect. Ive never been one to share my feelings (in fact, as a kid i wouldn't say anything out loud, if someone hurt me or if something upset me, i held it ALL in, thinking i was doing good not talking about it) and now as an adult, i am the same, i dont tell people I'm doubting, or tell my friends I'm struggling with self confidence because that is weakness, and i can t be weak. That translates into my relationship with God, I've been stuck in the same place with my emotions for years and years. And its crippled me. I can't move forward. Im standing in quicksand, sinking. 

"its ok to be vulnerable towards God"

Bad thoughts have come into head about relationships and me (i even went so far as to say my spiritual gift was single hood) i beat myself up with fear and failure and told myself no man would ever want to be with me. I was going into battle with myself but i had no way defending myself. I heard myself saying all these things, your not smart enough, your not talented enough, you not pretty enough, so what will a man see in you? 

I. BELIEVED. IT.

For years and years and years.

Hitting rock bottom is where i found beauty and redemption and grace. Sitting at rock bottom (how much farther could i fall) i was still defensive and putting up walls towards Gods grace, still feeling like i needed to earn it.

Im writing this because i dont want to pretend anymore, i want people to know I'm struggling and that i need serious healing from years of self hate. I want this to be the year i fall in love with Jesus, for real.