I live in this fantasy world, where my family gets together and we laugh and joke, no rude or harsh words are shared, we just love each other. Well we all know this isn't real life, its hard enough to get us all in a room, and when we are i hold my breathe waiting for the first arrow of judgement and envy fly. 

So i pushed through my pride and hurt spirit and just reached out for a friendship, to someone that has done nothing but push me away. As i was praying over the words i typed in an attempt to confront but keep things cordial I was crying with my emotions running high, and one hour later i got a 'thank you' email. I cried even harder. It was a crack in the armour but it was still there, so my constant prayer is for powerful, godly influences to surround him in a loving way.

Just when you think things can't be mended, you meet the Holy Spirit in a new way, that makes you dance with joyful tears over an email.

Praise Him for the small things today, and pray for the BIG things. 

today i was crying and crying and then suddenly confessing to God that i was extremely distracted by a beautiful God fearing man sitting in front of me. Suddenly i was laughing, i was laughing with God. It was amazing. It was freeing. God was present and real, sitting with me and laughing at me. He wasn't mad with me. (like i was expecting him to be anyway) I was gently reminded of the GOOD things God has in store for me, Yes, i was distracted by a beautiful man, but i got a glimpse into what God wants for me, i was looking at something i thought was "it", and God was saying "But i have MORE for you" 

I prayed specifically against a passive heart that allowed me to just dabble in christianity and held me back from BEING. ALL. IN. I dont want work, money and the stereo-typical package that americans have to have if it means christianity is just sprinkled on top.  I want Jesus to be all consuming, ever present in my life.


My dear friend last week was trying so desperately to get me to see myself as God sees me. (Not an easy task) She said something like this, you might wake up one day happy and full of joy, you make breakfast for your family, you are compassionate to people that normally you can't love, you end your day even better feeling even better and when you lay your head on your pillow the Holy Father sees Jesus.
The next day you wake up with anger and hate on your heart, you aren't compassionate or loving because you are too busy being mad. You start gossip, you're rude, you lie, you lay your head on your pillow with a heavy heart and the Holy Father STILL sees Jesus. 

That is how God see you. He doesn't. He sees Jesus. 

I have never heard God more clearly than i did last week. My prayer to God has been for a godly man in my life. Someone in my life to love and to pour into.

"How can you love a husband if you don't fall in love with me first" 
i couldn't breathe.

Growing up i was taught (and in their defense, it was with good intentions) that being good and not sinning would get me what i wanted, a husband (of course then it was good grades and a car). Well, I've been waiting for my handout for 24 years, for God to deliver on his promise. But this is SO WRONG, I'm not good, first of all, and anything i do good is not because of me but because of Christ in me. And my calling is to love God and love other people. 

Im missing the whole point of Christ, of salvation. IM. MISSING. IT. I'm killing myself trying to be perfect. Ive never been one to share my feelings (in fact, as a kid i wouldn't say anything out loud, if someone hurt me or if something upset me, i held it ALL in, thinking i was doing good not talking about it) and now as an adult, i am the same, i dont tell people I'm doubting, or tell my friends I'm struggling with self confidence because that is weakness, and i can t be weak. That translates into my relationship with God, I've been stuck in the same place with my emotions for years and years. And its crippled me. I can't move forward. Im standing in quicksand, sinking. 

"its ok to be vulnerable towards God"

Bad thoughts have come into head about relationships and me (i even went so far as to say my spiritual gift was single hood) i beat myself up with fear and failure and told myself no man would ever want to be with me. I was going into battle with myself but i had no way defending myself. I heard myself saying all these things, your not smart enough, your not talented enough, you not pretty enough, so what will a man see in you? 

I. BELIEVED. IT.

For years and years and years.

Hitting rock bottom is where i found beauty and redemption and grace. Sitting at rock bottom (how much farther could i fall) i was still defensive and putting up walls towards Gods grace, still feeling like i needed to earn it.

Im writing this because i dont want to pretend anymore, i want people to know I'm struggling and that i need serious healing from years of self hate. I want this to be the year i fall in love with Jesus, for real.