I am the worst version of myself. I keep saying it over and over hoping it will eventually prove to be false. But it never does, each time the phrase is more offensive than the last. The worst part, i was starting to believe it. I hate this version of me, the girl who is never satisfied, or content with her circumstances, or able to just enjoy herself without worrying and being a major downer. Who instead of seeing the positive only sees the negatives. I have vowed never to be this girl. What happened to me?
There is a phrase that goes something like, "others won't love you until you love yourself", thats a common phrase I've heard more than once. As a female i fantasize about someone loving my quirkiness, my inability to multi task, my addiction to breakfast food and that i laugh at my own jokes. But what about all the other stuff that i try my best to hide like, never finish a book, or getting lost going around the block, or watching too much TV, or wearing un-matching socks, or how i don't brush my hair,(hell, i don't even own a brush) or how i can't manage money, or my inability to forgive. Thats a hard thing to swallow, to be that vulnerable is scary and yet i think could also be very freeing.
When will i see grace instead of failure? When do we stop believing that our flaws define us, and that we are actually set free? When does grace suddenly kick in and change my perspective on myself?..im waiting.
I always want to be in an ideal living situation, recently i lived in a house full of girls, having brunches, drinks, dance parties and loud music, handing out free advice to anyone who would listen. Or the young professional adult life (which i am convinced i will never have) where you live alone, and have a well behaved dog, in a loft apartment, where instead of laying by the pool drinking beer you are sipping wine over a dinner a party while wearing a fabulous low cut dress. Then there is the married life, maybe now you are in a fabulous home with a picket fence and your neighbors are no longer beating on your walls but bringing you cookies. That is alot of transitioning for one person, and i have been bouncing around from city to city and from apartments to condos to houses for years, never settling in, never finding that perfect living situation. Maybe next time i blog i will have a home and place i will actually want to hang pictures and never leave.
