today i was crying and crying and then suddenly confessing to God that i was extremely distracted by a beautiful God fearing man sitting in front of me. Suddenly i was laughing, i was laughing with God. It was amazing. It was freeing. God was present and real, sitting with me and laughing at me. He wasn't mad with me. (like i was expecting him to be anyway) I was gently reminded of the GOOD things God has in store for me, Yes, i was distracted by a beautiful man, but i got a glimpse into what God wants for me, i was looking at something i thought was "it", and God was saying "But i have MORE for you" 

I prayed specifically against a passive heart that allowed me to just dabble in christianity and held me back from BEING. ALL. IN. I dont want work, money and the stereo-typical package that americans have to have if it means christianity is just sprinkled on top.  I want Jesus to be all consuming, ever present in my life.


My dear friend last week was trying so desperately to get me to see myself as God sees me. (Not an easy task) She said something like this, you might wake up one day happy and full of joy, you make breakfast for your family, you are compassionate to people that normally you can't love, you end your day even better feeling even better and when you lay your head on your pillow the Holy Father sees Jesus.
The next day you wake up with anger and hate on your heart, you aren't compassionate or loving because you are too busy being mad. You start gossip, you're rude, you lie, you lay your head on your pillow with a heavy heart and the Holy Father STILL sees Jesus. 

That is how God see you. He doesn't. He sees Jesus.