Back so Soon

Ive been thinking (a dangerous pastime) how easy it is (for me especially) to get bogged down in all the negative things in life and to just crave that normalcy. To constantly be comparing my life, my free time, my family, my vacation to other peoples- TO WHAT END? 

When will i actually be in a spot or time in my life where ill feel "normal"? 

Never.

Its not normal for people to be happy and content when society and the world are forcing materialism and an agenda down your throat, judging your parenting skills, your fashion choices, your life choices. Now if you have been fed this lie your whole life like me, you know its exhausting to keep up with people's expectations and its not always fulfilling in the way you thought it would be.

So I've decided to focus not on being 'normal', but instead focus on what makes me tick, things i love, things I'm good at, and to stop obsessing over my inability to sing and play guitar, or my acne scars, or my untoned thighs or not having enough friends. But instead (TRY) and enjoy life, enjoy where i am at this moment. Instead of begging God to change my circumstances, beg him to walk thru them with me, teaching, changing and making me more like him. (Now this is not going to be as easy as it sounds, and i dont promise not to complain about Columbia or my circumstances) 

All be Happy

I have this feeling and i can't put a finger on it, discontentment, anxiety, unsettled, all rolled into ..Me. Im a disaster. I keep begging God for an identity i can relate to, but i dont know what that looks like so I'm dabbling in this pool of uncertainty and confusion. It feels like I'm learning to ride a bike, confident when dad is holding the seat but lacking all sense of self when I'm left all alone. I just wanna run to the hand i know will hold me steady, i dont trust myself to stand alone. 

I look at these woman who are smart and go getters, and i can't seem to drag myself out of this self pity. Meh.

So I'm reading My Utmost for His Highest and can i just say Wow! Read it if you haven't. 
Anyway the last entry i read was about being absolutely alone with God. And until we can get the noise and questions out of our heads to be alone with God, can he expound. i was thinking how often I'm praying, but my thoughts are drifting towards my unpainted toenails, or if i turned the coffee pot off. Get alone with God, bear your soul and quite your racing mind, in order to be expound upon by the Holy Spirit!!

So work has me all messed up. Im desperate for a nine to five, a social life on the weekends, friends during the week. I feel guilty for wanting it though.

"All be Happy" 

Hugh Jackmans motto and on my hat i bought from his coffee shop. Words i should start to live by.

"Took a bus to China town, standing on Canal"

After spending a week in Manhatten, its difficult to come back to my already mundane life. Like seriously. Get me out of Columbia!

My trip was altogether fabulous, my cousin was quite the tour guide, eating our way thru the city one food stand at a time, from empanadas to cannolis. 
What is there to say about central park, I'm mean come on!

I ate my first hot dog in probably ten years while watching a biker get hit by a cab. Speaking of cabs, i was totally scammed by a car driver, but I'm crossing it off as a NYC experience. 

The trip was so distracting i almost forgot about turning 25. We ate at Momofuku at 11:30pm then had drinks at a secret bar that smelled like soy sauce and had Japanese bartenders (which according to BJO are the best kind)

It was JUST what i needed a little reminder that Im not done yet.

So needless to say Columbia is looking pretty boring compared to designer clothes and fast subways.