All be Happy

I have this feeling and i can't put a finger on it, discontentment, anxiety, unsettled, all rolled into ..Me. Im a disaster. I keep begging God for an identity i can relate to, but i dont know what that looks like so I'm dabbling in this pool of uncertainty and confusion. It feels like I'm learning to ride a bike, confident when dad is holding the seat but lacking all sense of self when I'm left all alone. I just wanna run to the hand i know will hold me steady, i dont trust myself to stand alone. 

I look at these woman who are smart and go getters, and i can't seem to drag myself out of this self pity. Meh.

So I'm reading My Utmost for His Highest and can i just say Wow! Read it if you haven't. 
Anyway the last entry i read was about being absolutely alone with God. And until we can get the noise and questions out of our heads to be alone with God, can he expound. i was thinking how often I'm praying, but my thoughts are drifting towards my unpainted toenails, or if i turned the coffee pot off. Get alone with God, bear your soul and quite your racing mind, in order to be expound upon by the Holy Spirit!!

So work has me all messed up. Im desperate for a nine to five, a social life on the weekends, friends during the week. I feel guilty for wanting it though.

"All be Happy" 

Hugh Jackmans motto and on my hat i bought from his coffee shop. Words i should start to live by.

"Took a bus to China town, standing on Canal"

After spending a week in Manhatten, its difficult to come back to my already mundane life. Like seriously. Get me out of Columbia!

My trip was altogether fabulous, my cousin was quite the tour guide, eating our way thru the city one food stand at a time, from empanadas to cannolis. 
What is there to say about central park, I'm mean come on!

I ate my first hot dog in probably ten years while watching a biker get hit by a cab. Speaking of cabs, i was totally scammed by a car driver, but I'm crossing it off as a NYC experience. 

The trip was so distracting i almost forgot about turning 25. We ate at Momofuku at 11:30pm then had drinks at a secret bar that smelled like soy sauce and had Japanese bartenders (which according to BJO are the best kind)

It was JUST what i needed a little reminder that Im not done yet.

So needless to say Columbia is looking pretty boring compared to designer clothes and fast subways.

I live in this fantasy world, where my family gets together and we laugh and joke, no rude or harsh words are shared, we just love each other. Well we all know this isn't real life, its hard enough to get us all in a room, and when we are i hold my breathe waiting for the first arrow of judgement and envy fly. 

So i pushed through my pride and hurt spirit and just reached out for a friendship, to someone that has done nothing but push me away. As i was praying over the words i typed in an attempt to confront but keep things cordial I was crying with my emotions running high, and one hour later i got a 'thank you' email. I cried even harder. It was a crack in the armour but it was still there, so my constant prayer is for powerful, godly influences to surround him in a loving way.

Just when you think things can't be mended, you meet the Holy Spirit in a new way, that makes you dance with joyful tears over an email.

Praise Him for the small things today, and pray for the BIG things. 

today i was crying and crying and then suddenly confessing to God that i was extremely distracted by a beautiful God fearing man sitting in front of me. Suddenly i was laughing, i was laughing with God. It was amazing. It was freeing. God was present and real, sitting with me and laughing at me. He wasn't mad with me. (like i was expecting him to be anyway) I was gently reminded of the GOOD things God has in store for me, Yes, i was distracted by a beautiful man, but i got a glimpse into what God wants for me, i was looking at something i thought was "it", and God was saying "But i have MORE for you" 

I prayed specifically against a passive heart that allowed me to just dabble in christianity and held me back from BEING. ALL. IN. I dont want work, money and the stereo-typical package that americans have to have if it means christianity is just sprinkled on top.  I want Jesus to be all consuming, ever present in my life.


My dear friend last week was trying so desperately to get me to see myself as God sees me. (Not an easy task) She said something like this, you might wake up one day happy and full of joy, you make breakfast for your family, you are compassionate to people that normally you can't love, you end your day even better feeling even better and when you lay your head on your pillow the Holy Father sees Jesus.
The next day you wake up with anger and hate on your heart, you aren't compassionate or loving because you are too busy being mad. You start gossip, you're rude, you lie, you lay your head on your pillow with a heavy heart and the Holy Father STILL sees Jesus. 

That is how God see you. He doesn't. He sees Jesus. 

I have never heard God more clearly than i did last week. My prayer to God has been for a godly man in my life. Someone in my life to love and to pour into.

"How can you love a husband if you don't fall in love with me first" 
i couldn't breathe.

Growing up i was taught (and in their defense, it was with good intentions) that being good and not sinning would get me what i wanted, a husband (of course then it was good grades and a car). Well, I've been waiting for my handout for 24 years, for God to deliver on his promise. But this is SO WRONG, I'm not good, first of all, and anything i do good is not because of me but because of Christ in me. And my calling is to love God and love other people. 

Im missing the whole point of Christ, of salvation. IM. MISSING. IT. I'm killing myself trying to be perfect. Ive never been one to share my feelings (in fact, as a kid i wouldn't say anything out loud, if someone hurt me or if something upset me, i held it ALL in, thinking i was doing good not talking about it) and now as an adult, i am the same, i dont tell people I'm doubting, or tell my friends I'm struggling with self confidence because that is weakness, and i can t be weak. That translates into my relationship with God, I've been stuck in the same place with my emotions for years and years. And its crippled me. I can't move forward. Im standing in quicksand, sinking. 

"its ok to be vulnerable towards God"

Bad thoughts have come into head about relationships and me (i even went so far as to say my spiritual gift was single hood) i beat myself up with fear and failure and told myself no man would ever want to be with me. I was going into battle with myself but i had no way defending myself. I heard myself saying all these things, your not smart enough, your not talented enough, you not pretty enough, so what will a man see in you? 

I. BELIEVED. IT.

For years and years and years.

Hitting rock bottom is where i found beauty and redemption and grace. Sitting at rock bottom (how much farther could i fall) i was still defensive and putting up walls towards Gods grace, still feeling like i needed to earn it.

Im writing this because i dont want to pretend anymore, i want people to know I'm struggling and that i need serious healing from years of self hate. I want this to be the year i fall in love with Jesus, for real.  

This Can't be it...

I am the worst version of myself. I keep saying it over and over hoping it will eventually prove to be false. But it never does, each time the phrase is more offensive than the last. The worst part, i  was starting to believe it. I hate this version of me, the girl who is never satisfied, or content with her circumstances, or able to just enjoy herself without worrying and being a major downer. Who instead of seeing the positive only sees the negatives. I have vowed never to be this girl. What happened to me?

There is a phrase that goes something like, "others won't love you until you love yourself", thats a common phrase I've heard more than once. As a female i fantasize about  someone loving my quirkiness, my inability to multi task, my addiction to breakfast food and that i laugh at my own jokes. But what about all the other stuff that i try my best to hide like, never finish a book, or getting lost going around the block, or watching too much TV, or wearing un-matching socks, or how i don't brush my hair,(hell, i don't even own a brush) or how i can't manage money, or my inability to forgive. Thats a hard thing to swallow, to be that vulnerable is scary and yet i think could also be very freeing.

When will i see grace instead of failure? When do we stop believing that our flaws define us, and that we are actually set free? When does grace suddenly kick in and change my perspective on myself?..im waiting. 


I always want to be in an ideal living situation, recently i lived in a house full of girls, having brunches, drinks, dance parties and loud music, handing out free advice to anyone who would listen. Or the young professional adult life (which i am convinced i will never have) where you live alone, and have a well behaved dog, in a loft apartment, where instead of laying by the pool drinking beer you are sipping wine over a dinner a party while wearing a fabulous low cut dress. Then there is the married life, maybe now you are in a fabulous home with a picket fence and your neighbors are no longer beating on your walls but bringing you cookies. That is alot of transitioning for one person, and i have been bouncing around from city to city and from apartments to condos to houses for years, never settling in, never finding that perfect living situation. Maybe next time i blog i will have a home and place i will actually want to hang pictures and never leave. 

Raw. Healing.

I cant decide if ive been anticipating reading Joy's story or absolutely dreading it, i mean honestly. The first few paragraphs put me in a string of tears that went from deep belly crying to whimpering tears. Joy was laughing at me, i know she was. But i didnt care i was crying for my own selfish loss, and how i just longed to be a better friend and listener, a redo. 

Ive put myself in the stalker category, for real this time. I am ashamed to admit the things i did trying to find my eye doctor online. Fail. Fail. Fail. 

"You need some romance in your life!!"

It was hard for me to admit he was right. There i was laid out, paper thin, for everyone to point at, laugh and mock. My worst fear coming true, other people noticing my dry spell. Its bad enough when you have to talk yourself down, but others, thats a completely new kind of horrifying. Almost as bad as blogging it.