I have never heard God more clearly than i did last week. My prayer to God has been for a godly man in my life. Someone in my life to love and to pour into.

"How can you love a husband if you don't fall in love with me first" 
i couldn't breathe.

Growing up i was taught (and in their defense, it was with good intentions) that being good and not sinning would get me what i wanted, a husband (of course then it was good grades and a car). Well, I've been waiting for my handout for 24 years, for God to deliver on his promise. But this is SO WRONG, I'm not good, first of all, and anything i do good is not because of me but because of Christ in me. And my calling is to love God and love other people. 

Im missing the whole point of Christ, of salvation. IM. MISSING. IT. I'm killing myself trying to be perfect. Ive never been one to share my feelings (in fact, as a kid i wouldn't say anything out loud, if someone hurt me or if something upset me, i held it ALL in, thinking i was doing good not talking about it) and now as an adult, i am the same, i dont tell people I'm doubting, or tell my friends I'm struggling with self confidence because that is weakness, and i can t be weak. That translates into my relationship with God, I've been stuck in the same place with my emotions for years and years. And its crippled me. I can't move forward. Im standing in quicksand, sinking. 

"its ok to be vulnerable towards God"

Bad thoughts have come into head about relationships and me (i even went so far as to say my spiritual gift was single hood) i beat myself up with fear and failure and told myself no man would ever want to be with me. I was going into battle with myself but i had no way defending myself. I heard myself saying all these things, your not smart enough, your not talented enough, you not pretty enough, so what will a man see in you? 

I. BELIEVED. IT.

For years and years and years.

Hitting rock bottom is where i found beauty and redemption and grace. Sitting at rock bottom (how much farther could i fall) i was still defensive and putting up walls towards Gods grace, still feeling like i needed to earn it.

Im writing this because i dont want to pretend anymore, i want people to know I'm struggling and that i need serious healing from years of self hate. I want this to be the year i fall in love with Jesus, for real.